Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Simulation and counter attack

My shyness and lack of confidence started way back when i was young.
I always felt my parents loved my other siblings more than me.
Negative thought - I am not okay - they are okay, i was not good enough
You were to young to understand that your parents were from the old school , they did not know anything about communicating.

They would not listen to my point of view and that made me emotional and often ended up crying
Negative thought - I cannot take it, they are hurting me
On hindsight i was being very difficult, they tried their best to understand me but i just did not give them a chance. I never tried to understand them.

It was as though my dad was always trying to single me out for punishment
Negative thought - Assuming
My dad broke his back trying to make ends meet to feed the four of us. He never had the time nor the exposure to understand me. He never realized my problem.

I was often beaten with solid objects often leaving marks on my body.
Negative thought - He is cruel
He was preoccupied with so many financial problems and he jusy could not handle my stubborness. I was challenging him and in those days no indian father could tolerate that

Often, i wanted to run away to teach my dad a lesson - fear never allowed me to do it.
Negative thought - I am not okay - he is not okay
How could you run away, so young and with no money where were you going to way. It was just my childish mind not wanting to understand how my father was sacrificing for me.

I used to hate it when family friends came over for a visit and always talked more to my siblings.
Negative thought - I cannot take it, assuming
How could they talk to me when the monkeys were dragging me to become an anti social. I was always assuming that no one liked me. I never behaved in away to attract people towards me

Even then i was slowly starting to hate myself and cutting myself off from others.
Negative thought - I am not good enough, they do not like me
You were to young to rationalize, look at your son today and you can understand. Think how much of love and space you give you give your son. You definately have learned fron what you underwent

I became slowly obsessed with sex as i was venturing into my own world
Negative thought - Seeking a alternative
Hasnn't god finally come to your rescue

I wanted girls to like me but my shyness never allowed me to mingle freely
Negative thought - I am not okay, what will they think of me?
Yes that was a problem but that was when you were a kid. Remember there were many girls who liked you, you were the only basketball player among all the chinese students. You were good in sports and the envy of many.

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