simulation and counter thought

I wanted to read about my primary school classmate Suresh Menon. I checked on the internet - as soon as i found out about how succesful he was the negative emotions are starting to set in.
Negative thoughts - I am not okay he is okay, i am inferior, why am i a failure
A stranger for 30 years who suddenly i wanted to know. Did i ever think what upheavals would he have gone through in his life. Did he find god like i did? Is he as happy as i am now. Does he have a wonderful son and a wife like me.

I felt sorry for myself, why i wasted my opportunities in schoo and why i did not pursue my higher education.
Negative thought - Regret, feeling sorry.
So i wasted them and know i have learnt from my mistakes and Carmen and me are doing the best for our son. This is the Lord's greatest blessing to me, my most blissful and joyous moment in life - right now

Suddenly i did not want to call him, feeling inferior and wheather he would want to talk to me at all.
Negative thought - I am not okay, what will he think.
Yeah so he's gonna talk about tennis which i know a bit myself.I can talk about stocks which i am quite well versed with. I am comfortable, i can talk with the big wigs as well as move with the small guys. People look to me for earning money - hey isn't that some responsibility and stature.

simulation and counter thought

Why is Lam not helping me out, i really hate him for this.
Negative thought - He must, I am okay - he is not okay,anger.
Why should he, he is not under any obligation to help me. I can hate as much as i want and stress myself up,he is not going to know or feel a thing.

I mean its from my source that he is making money to cover his losses.
Negative thought - he must be grateful
So will he close shop if i stop giving him info. Does not the Lord tell me to help without any obligations. Maybe on Monday he will come out with a proposal.

He bends over backwards to help Azman and what he is rewarded with - 40k losses.
Negative thought - Wish him bad, serves him right.
I am prayerful, how can i wish him this, if it can happen to him, it can happen to me too. He was only helping Azman to get info which he so kindly shared with me. I wish him well - truly he is undeserving of the losses. Anyway if he can recoup some of the losses, he might be more forthcoming in helping me.

Yet he patronizes Azman and me his collegue whose half comission he pockets every month, is ignored.
Negative thought - He must, he is ignorant
The agreement was always for the comission to be shared 50:50, so why crib now. He is only good to Azman because he is desperate to collect the losses, i am sure he realizes it as a silly mistake.

Knowing how if iam suffering financially, i cannot understand why he refuses to lend a helping hand.
Negative thought - Restless, he is not okay, he is mean.
I have worked with him for years- he is not a mean person. Its just to bad he is also undergoing hardship. In different circumstances he would have definately helped.

All that talk of his about human compassion is just crap - he is just a stingy bastard at heart.
Negative thought - I am judging, I am swearing.
Am i any different, i pray everyday and yet when i get annoyed the Lord's words are forgotten as i go on ranting and raving. He is also coming to terms with his weaknesses just like me. Hopefully we will be 2 better people in the future.

I will show him as soon as i get my deposit and take all my clients and start off independently. I am sure he is going regret being so silly.
Negative thought - Revenge, wish him the worst.
Go and set up operations independantly and i will remain on friendly terms. Afterall he has offered me shelter for 10 years without intefering in my business. I owe him a lot and what i am today is because of him. When i pray i will ask for forgiveness and ask God to take take away the bitterness in my heart towards Lam. He is not the cause of my suffering, it is my own doing. I know i will come out of it with Lord Jesus Christ's help - I will be okay and Lam should be okay to.

simulation and counter thought

I worry why i am not able to generate income at all.
Negative thought - Frustration and restlessness
I knoe deep inside that god has given me so much in this tumultous period of having no money. Yes it is pretty though without money but look at the blessings i have recieved. God brought me to him and accecptedly me whole heartedly. He listened to my prayer one day, just one day and kept me away from sin. A sin that has been with me for 30 over years and which i never could eradicate, just one prayer and i have been a new man for the last 1 over year. God taught me how to live the way i always wanted. I have also learn to live with my family, appreciating them. Everyday is a day of joy for us regardless of our financial setbacks. I had all the money before but i was like a lost soul in the middle of the ocean.

All my sources of income have dried up. Stocks that i buy just refuse to go up and usually starts moving up after i sell.
Negative thought - why is this happening to me, frustration
I remember that bus ticket on the way back from church, how i was shown 4 numbers and i was guided the next day on how to buy the numbers from 1 + 3 D, going through the newspaper and finding out i had struck. I know i am in god's thoughts, he rather see me become a decent human being first before taking care of the financial aspect. I leave it in his good hands, because i have no idea how god is going to deliver the reward. Why should i worry when i have seen miracles happen to me so many times before.

Furthermore i am really scared to hang on to stocks as i am trading in someone else's account and have no room for error.
Negative thought - Fear, helplessness
Of course i am only human so this kind of worries will be there. I know that the Lords blessings will land me a big winner or a big client soon, very very soon.

With the month approaching to an end the pressure is really on me to come up with some cash to meet December's expenses. What must i do, i need a break badly.
Negative thought - I must do something
I have recieved help, divine help and guidance when i was lost at sea. God did not let me down then, what now when i have become his humble servant with utmost sincerity. I only need god to be on my side, i can handle all other matters

simulation and counter thoughts

Everything was okay when a sudden action of Carmen triggered a sense of hurt in me.
Negative thought - I am hurt, revenge, you are not okay
It was that one moment when your subconscious mind reacted. If you had seen it coming and taken a step back and maybe take adeep breath - it would have just died off as a forgotten moment.

From then on i was trying to attack her to to get even.
Neagtive thought - I am not okay/you are not okay, i must do something
The monkeys move swifftly and before you know they had taken control

As she was not responding to my words an irratitation set in.
Negative thought - why is she doing this, she must listen
Why would she respond and make things worse, you only wanted yourself to be heard - could she have made any difference.

Suddenly from the pleasant conversation we were having, my words became harsh.
Negative thought - I cannot take it, you are not okay
Look how the monkeys capitalized on that moment, they are running the show

I was now lecturing her on how rude she was and that she was always doing this to me.
Negative thoughts - you are not okay, you should not
You were the one with the problem and you are blaming her

I started bringing up incidents from the past to strengthen my case.
Negative thoughts - I have to win, restless
What if she lost it too, if your rantings angered her and she got nasty herself. Do you really want chaos to rule? Are you really that nasty. Why not stop now and realize it was nothing that serious.

I had lost control of myself and all i was doing was to keep attacking her and giving her no chance to talk.
Negative thought - I must win, i have to do something, i cannot take it
Your perception of the moment has got you. Are you going to remember this tomorrow or maybe even one hour down the line.

I hated her because i felt she was purposely making me angry.
Negative thought - I cannot take it , rage, lose control
You are branding her for this little innocent misunderstanding. Come on you love her to much to do this. She loves you to much to to have to be branded this harshly.

simulation and counter attack

I played football for my company. I was reluctant to play because of my thin and skinny legs would be on show.
Negative thought - I am not okay, they are okay, what would they think of me, i cannot
It was your perception, why not chase away the monkeys and you would not care about what other's think.

I did not want anyone laughing at my legs and making fun of me.
Negative thought - Iam not okay, they dont like me, shame
Why pay so much attention on this thought so let them laugh - is it going to hurt you if you tell the monkeys to take a hike. One month from now are they still going to talk aboput you.

As i ran around in the field, i kept feeling that the other people were all laughing at my expense. I really felt embarrased and hated myself for having this thin legs.
Negative thought - They do not like me, I hate myself, why is this happening to me
Do you like yourself, if you do why bother to think about what someone is thinking.

Simulation and counter attack

That Nair uncle and his 2 daughters Shyama amd Sukesh I was always jealous of them. THey were good looking and commanded all the attention.
Negative thought - they are better, I was not good enough, they do not notice me.
It was your perception that created all the problems. They were no better than you only they had no monkeys on thier backs.

Whenever they were in house all the attention would be on them. Everyone in my house would fall head over heals to talk to them.
Negative thoughts - You want respect/to be liked
Your monkeys were not allowing you to be yourself. Hence your distorted vision of the whole scene. They were only being themselves.

Shyama especially with her good looks , was always commanding attention.
Negative thought - Jealousy.
She walked funny and you were paying to much attention on her.

I wanted to be in their good books too but somehow i got left out of everything.
They would rather talk to my brother and other siblings.
Negative thoughts - I want, they must
You did not know then to grab the moonkeys - you would have been perfectly okay liking yourself the way you were

Try as i could i always felt left out and i felt hurt about it.
I sulked and would be own my own when they all got together.
Negative thoughts - I am not okay, hurt, anger, why are doing this to me.
The monkeys never left you alone, you could not command them - now you can

They must have seen me as a killjoy and a bore.
It was painful getting left out of the fun all the while.
I felt they were always mixing with the better looking people than me.
Negative thoughts - They wont like me,I cannot take it,I am not okay
Thank god you realized it was only the monkeys.You have got them off your back now

simulation and counter attack

I feel guilty about not visting my father in hospital prior to his death.
Negative thought - I am not good enough, reluctance.
Dad if you are up there listening - sorry i was to young to know. I have grown up now. I am sure you will forgive me.

Although i had my valid reasons, deep inside i knew that i was scared to handle the feeling of fear, to go and see him in the hospital bed. i could not handle the sad and worrying moments. I was afraid he was going to die.
Negative thought - Assumption, i cannot handle it, why is this happening to me.
I were so young, i was entitled to have this kind of feelings. I loved my father as a tough person, it was difficult to see him so helpless. It is okay.

He was a week in hospital before his death but i never once went to visit him.
Negative thought - Guilty, I cannot
I were silently praying that he would come back home just like always - the tough person I knew him as.

In fights with my siblings and my mom, i was always reminded of the terrible sin that i had done.
Negative thought - Why are they doing this to me, hurt.
In a fight all kind of things get said. They never meant any of it. Anyway didnt i say all kinds of nasty things as well. Square.

Although i pleaded my case, i was often hurt by the criticism of why i refuse to visit him
Negative thought - They dont like me, hurt.
You loved your father no questions, you know that so why bother. Remember how proud he was when he came to my school sports and saw me winning in the running spikes that he had bought for me. I remember how proud he felt that day.

Maybe it was why i started to alienate myself from people, i felt that others were looking down on me
Negative thought - I must, i am not good enough
Come on why bother what others think, love yourself and live with yourself thats enough