simulation and counter thought

Why is Lam not helping me out, i really hate him for this.
Negative thought - He must, I am okay - he is not okay,anger.
Why should he, he is not under any obligation to help me. I can hate as much as i want and stress myself up,he is not going to know or feel a thing.

I mean its from my source that he is making money to cover his losses.
Negative thought - he must be grateful
So will he close shop if i stop giving him info. Does not the Lord tell me to help without any obligations. Maybe on Monday he will come out with a proposal.

He bends over backwards to help Azman and what he is rewarded with - 40k losses.
Negative thought - Wish him bad, serves him right.
I am prayerful, how can i wish him this, if it can happen to him, it can happen to me too. He was only helping Azman to get info which he so kindly shared with me. I wish him well - truly he is undeserving of the losses. Anyway if he can recoup some of the losses, he might be more forthcoming in helping me.

Yet he patronizes Azman and me his collegue whose half comission he pockets every month, is ignored.
Negative thought - He must, he is ignorant
The agreement was always for the comission to be shared 50:50, so why crib now. He is only good to Azman because he is desperate to collect the losses, i am sure he realizes it as a silly mistake.

Knowing how if iam suffering financially, i cannot understand why he refuses to lend a helping hand.
Negative thought - Restless, he is not okay, he is mean.
I have worked with him for years- he is not a mean person. Its just to bad he is also undergoing hardship. In different circumstances he would have definately helped.

All that talk of his about human compassion is just crap - he is just a stingy bastard at heart.
Negative thought - I am judging, I am swearing.
Am i any different, i pray everyday and yet when i get annoyed the Lord's words are forgotten as i go on ranting and raving. He is also coming to terms with his weaknesses just like me. Hopefully we will be 2 better people in the future.

I will show him as soon as i get my deposit and take all my clients and start off independently. I am sure he is going regret being so silly.
Negative thought - Revenge, wish him the worst.
Go and set up operations independantly and i will remain on friendly terms. Afterall he has offered me shelter for 10 years without intefering in my business. I owe him a lot and what i am today is because of him. When i pray i will ask for forgiveness and ask God to take take away the bitterness in my heart towards Lam. He is not the cause of my suffering, it is my own doing. I know i will come out of it with Lord Jesus Christ's help - I will be okay and Lam should be okay to.