simulation and counter attack

I feel guilty about not visting my father in hospital prior to his death.
Negative thought - I am not good enough, reluctance.
Dad if you are up there listening - sorry i was to young to know. I have grown up now. I am sure you will forgive me.

Although i had my valid reasons, deep inside i knew that i was scared to handle the feeling of fear, to go and see him in the hospital bed. i could not handle the sad and worrying moments. I was afraid he was going to die.
Negative thought - Assumption, i cannot handle it, why is this happening to me.
I were so young, i was entitled to have this kind of feelings. I loved my father as a tough person, it was difficult to see him so helpless. It is okay.

He was a week in hospital before his death but i never once went to visit him.
Negative thought - Guilty, I cannot
I were silently praying that he would come back home just like always - the tough person I knew him as.

In fights with my siblings and my mom, i was always reminded of the terrible sin that i had done.
Negative thought - Why are they doing this to me, hurt.
In a fight all kind of things get said. They never meant any of it. Anyway didnt i say all kinds of nasty things as well. Square.

Although i pleaded my case, i was often hurt by the criticism of why i refuse to visit him
Negative thought - They dont like me, hurt.
You loved your father no questions, you know that so why bother. Remember how proud he was when he came to my school sports and saw me winning in the running spikes that he had bought for me. I remember how proud he felt that day.

Maybe it was why i started to alienate myself from people, i felt that others were looking down on me
Negative thought - I must, i am not good enough
Come on why bother what others think, love yourself and live with yourself thats enough