That Nair uncle and his 2 daughters Shyama amd Sukesh I was always jealous of them. THey were good looking and commanded all the attention.
Negative thought - they are better, I was not good enough, they do not notice me.
It was your perception that created all the problems. They were no better than you only they had no monkeys on thier backs.
Whenever they were in house all the attention would be on them. Everyone in my house would fall head over heals to talk to them.
Negative thoughts - You want respect/to be liked
Your monkeys were not allowing you to be yourself. Hence your distorted vision of the whole scene. They were only being themselves.
Shyama especially with her good looks , was always commanding attention.
Negative thought - Jealousy.
She walked funny and you were paying to much attention on her.
I wanted to be in their good books too but somehow i got left out of everything.
They would rather talk to my brother and other siblings.
Negative thoughts - I want, they must
You did not know then to grab the moonkeys - you would have been perfectly okay liking yourself the way you were
Try as i could i always felt left out and i felt hurt about it.
I sulked and would be own my own when they all got together.
Negative thoughts - I am not okay, hurt, anger, why are doing this to me.
The monkeys never left you alone, you could not command them - now you can
They must have seen me as a killjoy and a bore.
It was painful getting left out of the fun all the while.
I felt they were always mixing with the better looking people than me.
Negative thoughts - They wont like me,I cannot take it,I am not okay
Thank god you realized it was only the monkeys.You have got them off your back now
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
simulation and counter attack
I feel guilty about not visting my father in hospital prior to his death.
Negative thought - I am not good enough, reluctance.
Dad if you are up there listening - sorry i was to young to know. I have grown up now. I am sure you will forgive me.
Although i had my valid reasons, deep inside i knew that i was scared to handle the feeling of fear, to go and see him in the hospital bed. i could not handle the sad and worrying moments. I was afraid he was going to die.
Negative thought - Assumption, i cannot handle it, why is this happening to me.
I were so young, i was entitled to have this kind of feelings. I loved my father as a tough person, it was difficult to see him so helpless. It is okay.
He was a week in hospital before his death but i never once went to visit him.
Negative thought - Guilty, I cannot
I were silently praying that he would come back home just like always - the tough person I knew him as.
In fights with my siblings and my mom, i was always reminded of the terrible sin that i had done.
Negative thought - Why are they doing this to me, hurt.
In a fight all kind of things get said. They never meant any of it. Anyway didnt i say all kinds of nasty things as well. Square.
Although i pleaded my case, i was often hurt by the criticism of why i refuse to visit him
Negative thought - They dont like me, hurt.
You loved your father no questions, you know that so why bother. Remember how proud he was when he came to my school sports and saw me winning in the running spikes that he had bought for me. I remember how proud he felt that day.
Maybe it was why i started to alienate myself from people, i felt that others were looking down on me
Negative thought - I must, i am not good enough
Come on why bother what others think, love yourself and live with yourself thats enough
Negative thought - I am not good enough, reluctance.
Dad if you are up there listening - sorry i was to young to know. I have grown up now. I am sure you will forgive me.
Although i had my valid reasons, deep inside i knew that i was scared to handle the feeling of fear, to go and see him in the hospital bed. i could not handle the sad and worrying moments. I was afraid he was going to die.
Negative thought - Assumption, i cannot handle it, why is this happening to me.
I were so young, i was entitled to have this kind of feelings. I loved my father as a tough person, it was difficult to see him so helpless. It is okay.
He was a week in hospital before his death but i never once went to visit him.
Negative thought - Guilty, I cannot
I were silently praying that he would come back home just like always - the tough person I knew him as.
In fights with my siblings and my mom, i was always reminded of the terrible sin that i had done.
Negative thought - Why are they doing this to me, hurt.
In a fight all kind of things get said. They never meant any of it. Anyway didnt i say all kinds of nasty things as well. Square.
Although i pleaded my case, i was often hurt by the criticism of why i refuse to visit him
Negative thought - They dont like me, hurt.
You loved your father no questions, you know that so why bother. Remember how proud he was when he came to my school sports and saw me winning in the running spikes that he had bought for me. I remember how proud he felt that day.
Maybe it was why i started to alienate myself from people, i felt that others were looking down on me
Negative thought - I must, i am not good enough
Come on why bother what others think, love yourself and live with yourself thats enough
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Simulation and counter attack
My shyness and lack of confidence started way back when i was young.
I always felt my parents loved my other siblings more than me.
Negative thought - I am not okay - they are okay, i was not good enough
You were to young to understand that your parents were from the old school , they did not know anything about communicating.
They would not listen to my point of view and that made me emotional and often ended up crying
Negative thought - I cannot take it, they are hurting me
On hindsight i was being very difficult, they tried their best to understand me but i just did not give them a chance. I never tried to understand them.
It was as though my dad was always trying to single me out for punishment
Negative thought - Assuming
My dad broke his back trying to make ends meet to feed the four of us. He never had the time nor the exposure to understand me. He never realized my problem.
I was often beaten with solid objects often leaving marks on my body.
Negative thought - He is cruel
He was preoccupied with so many financial problems and he jusy could not handle my stubborness. I was challenging him and in those days no indian father could tolerate that
Often, i wanted to run away to teach my dad a lesson - fear never allowed me to do it.
Negative thought - I am not okay - he is not okay
How could you run away, so young and with no money where were you going to way. It was just my childish mind not wanting to understand how my father was sacrificing for me.
I used to hate it when family friends came over for a visit and always talked more to my siblings.
Negative thought - I cannot take it, assuming
How could they talk to me when the monkeys were dragging me to become an anti social. I was always assuming that no one liked me. I never behaved in away to attract people towards me
Even then i was slowly starting to hate myself and cutting myself off from others.
Negative thought - I am not good enough, they do not like me
You were to young to rationalize, look at your son today and you can understand. Think how much of love and space you give you give your son. You definately have learned fron what you underwent
I became slowly obsessed with sex as i was venturing into my own world
Negative thought - Seeking a alternative
Hasnn't god finally come to your rescue
I wanted girls to like me but my shyness never allowed me to mingle freely
Negative thought - I am not okay, what will they think of me?
Yes that was a problem but that was when you were a kid. Remember there were many girls who liked you, you were the only basketball player among all the chinese students. You were good in sports and the envy of many.
I always felt my parents loved my other siblings more than me.
Negative thought - I am not okay - they are okay, i was not good enough
You were to young to understand that your parents were from the old school , they did not know anything about communicating.
They would not listen to my point of view and that made me emotional and often ended up crying
Negative thought - I cannot take it, they are hurting me
On hindsight i was being very difficult, they tried their best to understand me but i just did not give them a chance. I never tried to understand them.
It was as though my dad was always trying to single me out for punishment
Negative thought - Assuming
My dad broke his back trying to make ends meet to feed the four of us. He never had the time nor the exposure to understand me. He never realized my problem.
I was often beaten with solid objects often leaving marks on my body.
Negative thought - He is cruel
He was preoccupied with so many financial problems and he jusy could not handle my stubborness. I was challenging him and in those days no indian father could tolerate that
Often, i wanted to run away to teach my dad a lesson - fear never allowed me to do it.
Negative thought - I am not okay - he is not okay
How could you run away, so young and with no money where were you going to way. It was just my childish mind not wanting to understand how my father was sacrificing for me.
I used to hate it when family friends came over for a visit and always talked more to my siblings.
Negative thought - I cannot take it, assuming
How could they talk to me when the monkeys were dragging me to become an anti social. I was always assuming that no one liked me. I never behaved in away to attract people towards me
Even then i was slowly starting to hate myself and cutting myself off from others.
Negative thought - I am not good enough, they do not like me
You were to young to rationalize, look at your son today and you can understand. Think how much of love and space you give you give your son. You definately have learned fron what you underwent
I became slowly obsessed with sex as i was venturing into my own world
Negative thought - Seeking a alternative
Hasnn't god finally come to your rescue
I wanted girls to like me but my shyness never allowed me to mingle freely
Negative thought - I am not okay, what will they think of me?
Yes that was a problem but that was when you were a kid. Remember there were many girls who liked you, you were the only basketball player among all the chinese students. You were good in sports and the envy of many.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Simulation and counter attack
I was already edgy when i heard the phone ring downstairs
Negative thought - Others are angering me, i must do something about it
The monkeys were all over your back, grab them
I came down just as i saw my son answer the phone rudely and then hanging up
I got angry when he did not know who was the caller
Negative thought - Why is he doing this to me, pressure, anxiety
What do you expect from a nine year old child, were you any different at his age. Can you really be annoyed with him?
I assumed the caller hung up when my Menaish did not answer politely
Negative thought - Judgemental, assuming
If the call was that important don't you think the caller would call on your mobile
I was also angry with danny as he was sitting nearby and i felt refuse to answer the phone
Negative thought - He must/he should, he is upsetting me
He was engrossed on his computer game to even realize, why pass judgement then?
Carmen annoyed me further when she started defending Menaish and she assumed it was Akbal on the other side
Negative thought - She must not, assuming
Hei, why would she not defend a nine year old from fron a forty eight year old. Give her a chance she was frantically trying to repair the tense situation
I felt my concentration was broken and i did not continue with my prayers
Negative thought - I cannot, i give up
The monkeys got you today, God is ever forgiving - he will understand your silliness
Suddenly i just felt angry inside and felt like shouting at everyone
Negative thought - They are not okay, lose control
Is this not what you do not want to be? Take control of yourself
Then as i realized i had lost it, i become angry with myself
Negative thought - I am not okay
Take a deep breath take a step back and analze - why not drop the whole issue
I wondered what Maniash and Carmen would be thinking off me and my mind was totally running havoc
Negative thought - Judging
They only want to please you, if you are happy they will be overjoyed. They need your strentgth more than you need theirs. Be cheerful tomorrow and everthing will be okay
Negative thought - Others are angering me, i must do something about it
The monkeys were all over your back, grab them
I came down just as i saw my son answer the phone rudely and then hanging up
I got angry when he did not know who was the caller
Negative thought - Why is he doing this to me, pressure, anxiety
What do you expect from a nine year old child, were you any different at his age. Can you really be annoyed with him?
I assumed the caller hung up when my Menaish did not answer politely
Negative thought - Judgemental, assuming
If the call was that important don't you think the caller would call on your mobile
I was also angry with danny as he was sitting nearby and i felt refuse to answer the phone
Negative thought - He must/he should, he is upsetting me
He was engrossed on his computer game to even realize, why pass judgement then?
Carmen annoyed me further when she started defending Menaish and she assumed it was Akbal on the other side
Negative thought - She must not, assuming
Hei, why would she not defend a nine year old from fron a forty eight year old. Give her a chance she was frantically trying to repair the tense situation
I felt my concentration was broken and i did not continue with my prayers
Negative thought - I cannot, i give up
The monkeys got you today, God is ever forgiving - he will understand your silliness
Suddenly i just felt angry inside and felt like shouting at everyone
Negative thought - They are not okay, lose control
Is this not what you do not want to be? Take control of yourself
Then as i realized i had lost it, i become angry with myself
Negative thought - I am not okay
Take a deep breath take a step back and analze - why not drop the whole issue
I wondered what Maniash and Carmen would be thinking off me and my mind was totally running havoc
Negative thought - Judging
They only want to please you, if you are happy they will be overjoyed. They need your strentgth more than you need theirs. Be cheerful tomorrow and everthing will be okay
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
simulation
I have created another person in my mind
Negative thoughts - Iam not okay, they are okay. Lack of confidence.
You have wonderful traits like loving, caring and understanding - do you need to create another person
He is everthing i want in my imagination
Negative thought - I am not okay, they are okay. I am not good enough. I do not like myself.
You can be that person in real life, grab all your monkeys and start being the real you. Use active illusion.
He is whatever i cannot or to shy to be in my life
Negative thought - Inferiority, you should have / you shoudn't have
Well it is time you realize you can, just chase away all the monkeys, start believing in yourself and you will find out you can be the real deal.
Everytime i feel inferior i become him, and dream of everthing i want to be
Negative thought- You cannot, you will make a fool of yourself, what will people think of you?
People look up to you, many envy your talents - feel good about yourself and walk tall, they are all going to love you.
He is good looking, a great singer, a good guitarist, agreat storywriter, a film director and the person everone wants to love
Neagtive thoughts - I am not okay they are okay. I cannot / i shoudnt
You are becoming a pretty good guitarist yourself and your singing is great at your range. You know you have capablity to write so why give your talents to someone else. Ask your alter ego to take a hike, send him away with the monkeys - you are taking care of matters now.
The real me is totally lacking in confidence, shy and dreaming and never achieving.
Negative thoughts - I cannot, fear of disapproval, lack of self belief
Grab you monkeys and watch yourself go you are going to kill them and they are going to ask for an encore
I wish the real real me could have all the traits of my alter ego
Neagtive thoughts - I cannot, Iam not okay - they are okay. I shoudn,t.
You have it just look deep into you, chase away the monkeys and you are it. You are a wonderful creation of god, blessed with a vibrant personality. You are god fearing and so you live the right way. Look around and tell me how many people are made like you. Feel proud and live it up.
Negative thoughts - Iam not okay, they are okay. Lack of confidence.
You have wonderful traits like loving, caring and understanding - do you need to create another person
He is everthing i want in my imagination
Negative thought - I am not okay, they are okay. I am not good enough. I do not like myself.
You can be that person in real life, grab all your monkeys and start being the real you. Use active illusion.
He is whatever i cannot or to shy to be in my life
Negative thought - Inferiority, you should have / you shoudn't have
Well it is time you realize you can, just chase away all the monkeys, start believing in yourself and you will find out you can be the real deal.
Everytime i feel inferior i become him, and dream of everthing i want to be
Negative thought- You cannot, you will make a fool of yourself, what will people think of you?
People look up to you, many envy your talents - feel good about yourself and walk tall, they are all going to love you.
He is good looking, a great singer, a good guitarist, agreat storywriter, a film director and the person everone wants to love
Neagtive thoughts - I am not okay they are okay. I cannot / i shoudnt
You are becoming a pretty good guitarist yourself and your singing is great at your range. You know you have capablity to write so why give your talents to someone else. Ask your alter ego to take a hike, send him away with the monkeys - you are taking care of matters now.
The real me is totally lacking in confidence, shy and dreaming and never achieving.
Negative thoughts - I cannot, fear of disapproval, lack of self belief
Grab you monkeys and watch yourself go you are going to kill them and they are going to ask for an encore
I wish the real real me could have all the traits of my alter ego
Neagtive thoughts - I cannot, Iam not okay - they are okay. I shoudn,t.
You have it just look deep into you, chase away the monkeys and you are it. You are a wonderful creation of god, blessed with a vibrant personality. You are god fearing and so you live the right way. Look around and tell me how many people are made like you. Feel proud and live it up.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
25th October Ist Simulation and Confrontation
The end of the month is nearing. I am starting to worry about the finances again.
Fear and insecurity
THe month hasn't ended, how sure are you that is going to be anything to worry about.
With no income coming in from Carmen and me, THe situation looks really hopeless.
I am never going to make it - i am doomed
Well are you going to forget about all the other beautiful things happening in your life just because of money?
This is going to be the third month since we started to leave on credit. I would be feeling a little better if there was some kind of income coming in - with expenses totalling about 4000 every month.
Fear, I cannot cope
You have survived three months and you have been reasonably happy, can it get any worse than this?
My back is against the wall, if i leave and take another job, i risk losing my clients.
Fear of losing
So work that much harder now for when the market flies you would be minting money.
Life has never been so hard for me. I feel fearful thinking what is going to happen to my son.
I am not okay they are okay, fear and insecurity.
Really think back the 7 years of hell that you went wondering you would be alive or dead. As for your son, give him more credit - he is a survivor
What if i cannot borrow money fron anyone, what am i going to do?As the days get closer to the 31st, it is going to be nerve wrecking
I cannot take it, i want to run away
Procrastination and by the way do who is running the show the monkey or you?
I am going to be worried and my sleep is going to be affected. I look around me and see everyone with some kind of income, i am really scared and toatlly lost not knowing what to do.
Fear, i am not okay-they are okay, panic.
You had a sleeping problem even in the happiest days of your life. Does their income scare you, why, you can make your own dreams, just be patient
Fear and insecurity
THe month hasn't ended, how sure are you that is going to be anything to worry about.
With no income coming in from Carmen and me, THe situation looks really hopeless.
I am never going to make it - i am doomed
Well are you going to forget about all the other beautiful things happening in your life just because of money?
This is going to be the third month since we started to leave on credit. I would be feeling a little better if there was some kind of income coming in - with expenses totalling about 4000 every month.
Fear, I cannot cope
You have survived three months and you have been reasonably happy, can it get any worse than this?
My back is against the wall, if i leave and take another job, i risk losing my clients.
Fear of losing
So work that much harder now for when the market flies you would be minting money.
Life has never been so hard for me. I feel fearful thinking what is going to happen to my son.
I am not okay they are okay, fear and insecurity.
Really think back the 7 years of hell that you went wondering you would be alive or dead. As for your son, give him more credit - he is a survivor
What if i cannot borrow money fron anyone, what am i going to do?As the days get closer to the 31st, it is going to be nerve wrecking
I cannot take it, i want to run away
Procrastination and by the way do who is running the show the monkey or you?
I am going to be worried and my sleep is going to be affected. I look around me and see everyone with some kind of income, i am really scared and toatlly lost not knowing what to do.
Fear, i am not okay-they are okay, panic.
You had a sleeping problem even in the happiest days of your life. Does their income scare you, why, you can make your own dreams, just be patient
Friday, October 16, 2009
Oct16th - Friday
Thank you for all the happy moments i had today
I had good business today and my client made money in the market.
I practiced my taught control and it helped on a few occasions during the day.
I walked confidently feeling on top of the world.
My motto is that other people's problems are not my problem, i can care and love but not attached.
The market looked vibrant and i feel there is a good chance it is going to run on Monday.
Manaish did a lot of revision thank god for Carmen's sacrificies.
We were happy as a family the three of us
We said our Rosary, god has been our guiding light
Thank you Lord for this wonderful FriDAY.
I had good business today and my client made money in the market.
I practiced my taught control and it helped on a few occasions during the day.
I walked confidently feeling on top of the world.
My motto is that other people's problems are not my problem, i can care and love but not attached.
The market looked vibrant and i feel there is a good chance it is going to run on Monday.
Manaish did a lot of revision thank god for Carmen's sacrificies.
We were happy as a family the three of us
We said our Rosary, god has been our guiding light
Thank you Lord for this wonderful FriDAY.
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